On Record

As we move closer to the start of our last funded writing group, it is a privilege to share "On Record" - a powerful guest blog by K.L. Manning - one of our previous writing group participants. Thank you to The National Lottery Community Fund for your support over the last few years, and for helping us create community spaces for adult survivors of child sexual abuse.

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The building towers above me

made of stone glass and silence

The entrance like a giant mouth

waiting to swallow me whole

The doors feel heavier than my body

every step echoes louder than my voice

The ceilings loom

the walls breathe authority 

and i feel small

smaller than I have ever been

I am not here to pray 

but it feels like a church

cold vast 

built to remind me I am nothing

I walk into the room with trembling hands

walls white  air too sharp

She is there

not in the flesh, but on the screen

A shadow given shape

A wound given face

They say this is justice 

They say this is protection

But it feels like being split in two

the me that endured 

and the me that must now explain

Each word dragged out of my mouth

feels  heavy and exposing

I want to scream

i want to run

i want to disappear 

I want to be heard

So  i speak

only to be judged

“repeat it” 

“clearer”

“louder”

As if survival is not enough

As if volume proves pain

As if the screams i swallowed 

all of those nights 

mean nothing

unless i vomit it back 

perfectly measured 

for their record

She sits untouched 

A smug curve to her mouth

that tasted victory before

neat composed

while 

i’m scolded for trembling 

A survivor on trial for my own pain

(c) K.L. Manning